Lost Faith

Localisation

Back again after a day of absence :P
I had a more-than-relaxing past few days
many thanks to my friends :)

i feel im finally beginning to understand somepeople
and through that i realised that maybe i appear bold or audacious or maybe arrogant.
But you know what, i want to know what u think. i value both positive and negative feedback
i always seek a means of improvement.

maybe its just me but a certain sophia added me today, wooo :X
anyway no idea whos she :P
hope that she identifies herself,sorry if ive forgotten that i know you from somewhere.
i really can't recall.

Im always open to new friends and stuff
so why not :P
i keep trying to make new once and bring them to a level
of friendship as if i knew them for years

Blogged @ 2/27/2006 12:14:00 AM

Individuality.

Choices,decisions and more choices.

"There is no force on earth so powerful as an idea whose time has come"
-world renowned poet

You know,everything in life is about time,place and choice. cause and effect.
we termed time and place as luck and choice is well, a different case.
Sometimes,i do envy other people's abilities,property maybe even character.
This clearly shows there is a "brokeback mountain" -(straits times) in all of us,
the longing secret of desires that we want.

Ive been thinking about the past gloomy days,i think im becomming a person who i don't want to be. a sad,unappreciative and self-assertive individual. someone ive vowed to try never to be.Even though i may not be the most fortunate, or wealthy person, this more-than-frugal existance is worth living.My problems are not of luck,time or space or something uncontrollable in this point in time,they are of choice. The choice of being lazy, the choice of being lethargic.

Hopefully, in the days to come, i will grasp the gratification of life...appreciate the simplest yet most important things around me.

Oh by the way,
dota 6.28 is out :P
have fun

Blogged @ 2/24/2006 10:56:00 PM

THOU SHALL SMITE YOU!

Strange how i always blog at about this time,maybe its the serenity or the quietness.. the almost pin-drop silence of the atmosphere...its almost like you can hear silence.. rippling through out,enveloping you in its calm dampening effects.

Anyway i do not think i believe in "God" much,im neither religious nor superstitious yet maybe wishing for a higher power.A factor leading to rise of civilisations is the need to believe.The need to believe that your destiny is more than its mere existance, that is, a more meaningful purpose.But we need this belief no more,we are now independent.. yet ofcourse some hold on the fact of a higher being from vaguely known backgrounds.This is not to say there isn't "god". Im an agnostic and living in a secular society...but strangly its theorically possible there is a higher power of sorts.In my darkest time,it hardly matters who i pray to...its more of a calming effect.. a way to console myself without others doing that essential role.

I mean take for example "tougues"(im not sure spelt correctly),does speaking it help you become closer to god? does it make your millions of wishes have higher chances of comming true? i think not. anyway when did speaking a language become closer to god..religion defies boundaries of medium... isnt god treating everyone with justice and equality.And why do one want to be closer to god...is it because of self-fish reason? entry to heaven? wanting wishes to come true?. this is not "the way" , such selfish desires only proves to contridict the values of itself.SO why then do people want to learn "tougues", i have no idea.

On a lighter note, im thankful i didn't choose nyp.. the amount of things going on, its practically shaking the very foundations of the school's principles.Scandals, scandals,scandals. ha! Don't wash your dirty linen in public.

Side-tracking...
i hope eric's wc3 problem get fixed soon,im really starting to feel bad.. about him not being able to play..
anyhow i think i figured the problem was with the yousendit.com server closing the client connection b4 it was completed ,sending him with a partially functional .mpq which no doubt will have missing cdkey,access violation,data corrupt ect.

kwan is well. designing something about xbox 360 outfit or smth. who knows... really.anyway i dun really get why people love consoles and portable players so much. especially at teritary level education.
Consoles? ... why? better graphics ? suitable solely to gaming? yes but theres always emulator and why get 2 things while u can just get a computer that can do all of it.JUst on a sidenote, ibm has figured a way to trash the heat barrier for proccessors,stay-tuned for faster 32-bit comps again.
For psp,i know its portable.. but why do u need to play games EVERYWHERE U go.. im sure u can live with talking to your friends.its way more intresting than a pSP
ANd all this COST $$. imagine spending it for a nice meal! isn't it much more worthy than to save and save and be so "Draggy".

Life is so full of uncertainty, i quoted one thing i think is from lionel, "Know your limits,then break them".
I used to think people are naturally restricted by limits, but that is a way wrong concept. You maybe realistically bound by them but hey,if you keep thinking that, you are only gonna make it worst.
You definately should keep breaking new frontials, keep improving..only then are u maximizing everything humanly possible before being restricted by "natural boundaries"

I do believe its important to respect people.Their dignity;pride..its important to understand someone and show concern. im not saying go there and be a hypocrate or trying to create some sort of derranged contrivance. i saw this story from a blog about a uncle who went to this tissue seller who peddles his goods at 3 packets for a dollar. the uncle asked for 4,the peddler hastily agreed.Understanding the background of the seller who was old and not so well to do, i was thinking that stupid baztard. trying to negotiate with a less-fountnate person but i didn't take into account what he gave back.he gave back pride.This action of negotiation shows that the uncle treated him as a true peddler,seeing through his appearance.
then i thought it was hypocridical bullshit,but who knows it might be...but giving it a benefit of a doubt.
its really important to see through people's fascade and help them when they are down.i know am abit messy with all the crap today but, o well i tried to type it nicely :D

-Besley
Dwelling into the mechanics of the world
trying to forget his own problems

Blogged @ 2/24/2006 12:07:00 AM

Urge For More.

Guess what? while browsing a book, i had a sudden realisation of my earthly aspirations.
Coincidentally, my friends and i were also discussing a related topic of nature vs nurture.

This started off as a projection of what i wanted to be in life..what i wanted life for me in future to be,
i suppose most of us really want a relaxing , rich life ... one without worries and the ability to splurge on luxurious indulgence.You know what? i want that too. i want to be a boss of a gigantic company making tons of money..the ability to travel to world and no worry about not being able to afford nice things.

Then i ask myself, so how am i gonna convert myself into this rich fu**. and the answer is... i have no bloody idea. i suppose no one has.this also brings to mind the very idea of studying which is sterotypically linked to the concept of becomming successful in future. this is an idea of nurture.
Following on my friend's dicussion, i really ask myself why even bother to study. nature is powerful.. i gives you mental or physical powers. An advantage to be above all, put it in a way easier to relate, try teaching a "mentally-challanged" and a prodigy. definately its more worthy to teach the prodigy. the sad cruel fact that one would hire a more intelligent over one less sometimes if this feature outways the dillgence of a individual.

Why we study is just the maximization of our total potential. humans are so pathatic in such a sense, its actually sad. but there is nothing much we can do. such helplessness...
Backtracking into the topic, for some reason i have faith in myself to achieve that dream still, yet im still underachieving.

Im still very disturbed by the fact of i have to go poly, ive been discussing it with close friends and such... they say its okay but u know what, i can see through this fascade, this false front of consoling. its not that i dun not apprciate it but i have to face such a fact now. i will not allow this to carry on.. this progressive pattern of debacle. I will not be destroyed to easily. Ive seen too many success stories to be stopped now.

I will make something of myself and all of you are gonna help me.

Blogged @ 2/22/2006 11:57:00 PM

Defacto!

Its strange how people start their blog post similar to the other previous blog post.
Only conclusion i came to,its the action resulting in the lack of ability in searching for a proper opening statement.I think i have that habit too, but hey so what? its normal :p

Carrying on to the next agenda,YES!!! The dark times are back again...you know im trying really hard to forget what kinda results i got and the really big disappointment.but everywhere i turn, i can't help it but seeing how much people did better than me.Its evitable my bad memories resurface and i can't help but feel sad.I try to hide it but its undeniable, everyone can see it.I guess i just have to live with it.. no i dun think its forever but it will be sure along time.Sometimes having too much time makes you reflect on your past,good or bad? i have no idea but for me,definately caustically disheartening.

The end is drawing closer,maybe i should start enjoying the last taste of freedom.No doubt i had alot of it....for the past few weeks, it is only appropriate to end soon.I welcome this change.Sure freedom is fun but too much of this,bad.

Only thing i can do is keep looking forward, hopefully the path that is given before me is the right one.

"To Thine ownself be true
and it must follow as the night the day
thou canst not then be false to any man"

-Shakespear(Hamlet)

Blogged @ 2/22/2006 01:18:00 AM

Today....

Today i shall dedicate a small space for everyone.
Let me get a list of friends..giveme a sec....
here we go...
So in no biased or particular order,

yong jin:
hey... over the past few weeks, i feel i understand u more than the entire sec 3 and 4..so strange huh?
well maybe thats cuz u opened up more after u went the first three months..contiune to,you will find life is so much more colourful and wonderful.and wherever you go,just know you are exactly where you are suppose to be :p

Allester:
ive seen that you are feeling gloomy for the past while,definately something to do with the o level?
yeah i know.. its tough to go on but just maybe if i have more faith in yourself and do not think that you are lousy in everything you do.. and challange everyone that think otherwise, just then you will achieve greatness.

Kingsly:
Ive no idea if you even read this but it hardly matters lol, you seem to be going on well so i wish you the best in whatever you are doing

kwan:
hey kwan, you definately went through a rough patch there,glad you are already back on your feet,remember
less games more study..the time will come when u can slack like a crazy madman but it isn't now.Over the past few days,i found myself talking to you more..i wonder why but couldn't exactly found a reason lOL. anyway you are a very good friend to have despite the crowd u kinda mix with.I can't help seeing why are so attracted to them.Still i recall you are mostly "Okay" with everyone anyway.But just a sidenote maybe you shouldn't.
you will see as you go along.I have much confidence in you yet.

bob:
well cheng jiat, you have been a valuable friend for a long time now, you will always have my respect. but just maybe...u could find a way to express your more caring side next time.. i know its there,FIND IT.

Qwek:
well as silly as you are,i always found you were actually there to talk to when i had problems,again strange to me u could pull off such things :) . again i warn you about the course you are about to choose..but if i cannot change your mind..I wish you the best of luck...be the best at what you do

RUNNING out of colours
rui:
after so long, you are still the one of few who leaves me strangely confused.. outside u are so superficial but i know inside there somewhere a more mature individual exist.bring it out more. peace out

Mingyi:
lol you still arguably the best hider around or maybe i became bad at judging characters.i know you have been deliberately misleading me everytime..and even if it was the truth.. you will still try bluffing me.
i know somewhere beneath that fascade, is a more sensible,sincere person..but where issit.Your closer friends definately won't say this about you.. so i wonder why ME?.. never figured out.Anyway BE less secretive towards me. i cannot be a real friend if u dun let me.

Eric:
im still feeling guilty i screwed up ur game LOL
but anyway i assure you I WILL TRY TO FIX IT!
btw u nidda blog more : its dying. can't say i know the true you yet.
takes awhile to get there.

Lordy:
well life isn't THAT shitty now issit :P
over the course of poly i expect alot of changes with you
AND
thus I expect great things :)
All the best.

amanda:
You made me type this :P but ill more-than-willingly oblige :P
anyway its been a long time since we talked
looking forward to catching up with you :D
err heard you are taking on a leadership role these days
GOOD for you :P
carry on, im sure many opportunities will be open to you along the way
make sure u grab them :)

-Besley

Blogged @ 2/20/2006 06:42:00 PM

just posting

SO........
i waiting all nite for the upload to finish
and wrote eric the instructions in the morning
went out
watch tons of movies
came back.
but didn't exactly settle the problem :damn wish it could be fixed
it will take a load off my mind
lucky eric is more graceful :p
he doesn't really mind... yet
BUT omg better get it done rawr
everyone is actually very supportive of me
didn't see that comming hmmm
rethinking piorities again...

Blogged @ 2/19/2006 01:06:00 AM

heyyyyyyy

recent events really made me question myself again,
i screwed up alot of things (including eric's dota .mpq worth 400mb)
so i asked myself why do i try sometimes.. why do i even attempt to help?
all i am doing is causing more and more problems rather than solving it
WHY?
and 1 friend did answer this hence im dedicating this post to eng kwan :)
"you want to make a difference".
simple words make such impact...
that is all ,everything is self-explained :P

Blogged @ 2/18/2006 09:34:00 AM

closure part 2

You know what,Enough is Enough
Sure life is disgustingly lousy and rotten sometimes
But i must look on why i carry on with this.
Why?
this is for the people around
this is for the things i wanna achieve

My sudden epiphany on many thing thats truely important
has redefined my piorities.
who knows, there might be hope for me yet.

i shouldn't rant about past mistakes anymore
the past is over.. everyone makes mistakes
part of life is a measure of how u climb back again.

at least i still have my closest of friends....
doesn't take much to be one of them...
but i do appreciate them...

:)

"Crawling Back To You"

But baby here I am
Banging on your front door
My pride spilled on the floor
My hands and knees are bruised and I'm crawling back to you
Begging for a second chance
Are you gonna let me in?
I was running from the truth and now I'm crawling back to you

"Girl on tv"

I wish for you on a fallin' star,wonderin' where you are,do I ever cross your mind,In the warm sunshine,she's from the city of angels,like Betty Davis,James Dean,and Gable,never know what she means to me.I fell for the girl that's on TV.

" i live my life for you"

I live my life for youI want to be by your side in everything that you doAnd if there's only one thing you can believe is trueI live my life for you

Improvement List
Randall:Get a girlfriend
Jin:Get less lazy
Zy:Less petty more forgivenses
Bob:Ability to take jokes
Ceyang:less heckcare
eric:i assume he said Less rash
rui:Less paranoid

Blogged @ 2/16/2006 12:58:00 PM

Closure part 1

well its 1:14 am now.
i was just reminsciening old times..old friends
triggered by one of my friend's photo
strange how years changes a person.
i never doubt about the power of time..
i really regretted not having good friends of everyone in my lower secondary days
if i recalled, i would be the "general friend". sure i talk to everyone and screw my studies
and yet...i dun even have a "group" or a "true" friend.
it worries me that i didnt achieve what i could have.
Life definately has many misses but i wanna ace them all.
if only i had foresight. i mean its not only the people i didn't interact with.
many acadamic issues and others were also not snatched.
i mean i could have done alot more and today i would be a very different person.
i have been very upset about this and ive been complaining and whining.. i know
but i just cannot put it to rest. i will still look forward but this part of me
will forever stay with me.
WHY? why must i be lazy, or unwilling.. i forsaw what i would have gotten or not gotton
but i didn't change it.. along the way my resolve faultered and my strength diminished taking me into the hell hole of crap.
Maybe its time to put this to rest. once and for all, i shall let it all out. Friends/family/sports/dreams/goals and aspirations all lost to the challange of myself.
just awhile ago i was doing this online iq test.. and it rated me "highly intelligent" .. i was telling eric it must be spoiled or smth
now i realised why can't i be highly intelligent.. isit that hard to believe?
everyone wants to achieve something
but i know im destined for something beyond this mundane life
i do try to look ahead but my life is still full on insecurities that i cannot handle.
fears and problems i cannot solve alone.

i m trying to seek closure on these issues.. man all this anger,sadness,regret all mixed togehter.. why do i torture myself?
maybe ill find myself a outlet... shout to the oceans my problems..
hit something till i realised my hand will is feeling the reality of it
no i will not go sucidal or stuff? who would care anyway.. i mean i hardly made a deep impression on anyone.
it doesn't matter

and just to add on.. qwek if u may or may not read this.. it doesnt matter.
i really feel im not part of the group.maybe ive haven't been in it for as long as everyone else or smth
i mean not to badmouth anybody..its seem u guys are so different from me..i hardly have mutal intrest or anything.. sure u guys are good,inside or out. i lose my temper pretty easily.. maybe im just dun fit in well.
its been very depressing mood for me these few days, i hardly able to relax these days

i will go into detail soon.
reality bites
and i need true friends
reliable,trustworthy people.
people who truely care about me
people who i truely will care about.

i feel so max-like now
why?
peace-out
try not to comment to much on the tagboard for those few poeple who still reads it

Blogged @ 2/16/2006 01:16:00 AM

Revamp

well im still trying to fix the site..everything is abit slower now
alot more work still but i finally got my lazy ass to do it

anyway this will be the first time i mention officially about the o levels..
well i faired okay....but very disappointing because of certain subjects :which i know i will regret for life.but it can't be that bad...yeah i guess life have to go on after all.

anyway i kinda made a few new friends in the course of the past months of insipid holiday...the mundane uneventful days of ignorant bliss and also the renewal of old ties.jin for one has changed beyond what i imagined.what 3 months can do to a person is fasinating...little did i expect that within this 3 months someone i thought so tamed,domestic and well in a sense obedient now is starting to push the edge on all aspects of life.sure nothing extreme now but who knows.

just honourably mention my friend eric, who has been together with some of my other pals have been my listening ear for the past few weeks which was probably 1 of my darkest days. i appreciate it, its been stressful regretting what i gotten while actually deciding what i must do later on in life.hey but if u got any problems,give me a call..ill help with what i can :)

for all those who did well,congrats..for even 20 pts,if u achieved what u set out to do in the beginning then u deserve every bit of rejoyce as those who gotton 6

Blogged @ 2/15/2006 11:25:00 AM

If your tired of losing battles with yourself..change your mind..

Just a dedication to
The girl out there for me,
The one that will be.

Happy valentines day :D

any to all those who don't have dates LOLOLOVE ..i meant erm everything will fall into place soon.
Just treasure what u have... nature will decide.

People are all the same
And we only get judged by what we do
personality reflects me
And if I'm ugly then
So are you
So are you

Blogged @ 2/14/2006 03:41:00 PM